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I felt stuck in a never-ending spiral.

Grieving from my mother’s passing, from constant sickness, from the years of feeling gaslit by doctors, and, then on top of it all, from a diagnosis that would forever change life as I knew it.

Lost, confused, and existing in survival mode, everything felt out of my control. I was going through all the motions doing all the right things on the outside, but, on the inside, it felt like an alien had invaded my body. 

Living gluten-free doesn’t just mean eating gluten-free. Food is so much more than just fuel -- food is culture, tradition, connection, community, memories, family, comfort, celebration, pleasure, love, and more. Shifting from the norm disrupts a lot.

And I felt like a burden.

How can I go out to eat if I have to be that person? None of my friends or family will want to deal with food issues. Will I have to carry food with me everywhere (hint: I do still carry emergency snacks)? Will I have to change my career? The very thing I work with every day was making me sicker and sicker.

I had to come to terms that this was going to be my life. Eating and making my favorite gluten-full recipes would not be the same (or so I thought). I sought help, I started researching, asking questions, and listening to what made my body feel healing. I focused on real, whole foods more than ever. I began converting recipes and testing and tweaking. I found joy in introducing others to new foods.

Truth be told, even though everybody started to know me as gluten-free, it actually took me a long time feeling comfortable truly transitioning to a new “gluten-free identity”. Yes, I was feeling significantly better and I was beyond grateful for that, but I still didn’t have that spark for life that I used to have. I didn’t realize at the time that was me still going through my grieving process – I still didn’t fully accept it.

And one day it literally snapped me awake. I remember the moment. It feels funny now because outside it was foggy, the city enveloped in a blanket of fresh snow. But when my eyes opened that morning, something felt different -- the fog in my head cleared, I finally felt connected to my body and understood that happiness is in my control.

I can choose happiness.

So, bundled in boots, snow pants, the works, I stepped outside and walked, capturing photos of the beauty that opened so clearly before my eyes but I had once blocked out.

Magic is everywhere if you choose to see it.

Suddenly living gluten-free was not only “doable,” but it was actually very enjoyable. In fact, it was exciting! I love having energy again, and I never want to take that for granted. I love experimenting, trying, and learning new things. I love feeling at home in my body. While it’s still been a long work in progress, the final stage of grief for me was not just acceptance (per the Kubler-Ross 5 Stages of Grief), but embracement of this life as my own, and from there I could grow.

I share this not only because today is National Gluten Free Day, and it’s important to bring awareness to how challenging this transition can be. But also because grief comes in many forms. And, right now, I think we’re all grieving in some way or another. Loss of life as we knew it pre-C. Loss of loved ones. Loss of jobs. Loss of social networks. Holidays alone. Loss of purpose. It’s ok if you’re feeling foggy or empty from it all. We all need help at times like this.

It is important to go through your own process of grieving, and remember that it is not linear or the same for everybody. Be compassionate with yourself, and take the time you need. Ask for help. Look to your support system. Talk to someone. Try not to focus only on what you have “lost”, as it will trigger suffering. Take comfort that life is unfolding in exactly the way it needs – an upward spiral with hope and light in the darkness. And slowly, slowly, the faded colors of life will become more vibrant.

If you are new to the gluten-free diet, you may feel relieved or happy to finally have a solution. Or you may feel angry or sad as the realities of day-to-day gluten-free living sink in. Gluten affects people’s bodies in different ways, and the diagnosis affects people’s minds in different ways.

If you aren't sure if you should be gluten-free or if you have a gluten intolerance, take note of how food makes your feel and talk to your doctor about your symptoms and ask for a test.

All of the above are normal, and there are many resources to help you cope and adjust:

Beyond Celiac

Celiac Disease Foundation

National Celiac Association

Celiac Dietician

And I am always happy to be a support and/or answer any questions! Happy National Gluten-Free Day!